Dating as a gay man is complex, to say the least. Beyond worrying about finding a partner, one viral TikTok dives into how gay dating is uniquely hard on men’s body image, and queer men are sounding off on why the take hits so close to home.
In a video with more than 97,000 views on TikTok, user @drewsoup6 shared their theory on why gay men are so hard on their own appearances.
“One of the hardest parts about being gay is being hyper aware of how attractive you are in comparison to the guys in your dating pool,” @drewsoup6 said. “The reason this is a gay thing is because we share the same physical body as the people we’re attracted to and the people we’re trying to attract, right? So it’s so much easier for us to compare ourselves to other guys and guys that we’re talking to.”
“A lot of time, you take two gay guys, everyone’s gonna have a quick opinion on who’s hotter, ‘cause it’s a very linear scale,” they continued. “With straight people, guys and girls, it’s like comparing apples to oranges. Like, they can both just be hot, and it’s fine and you move on.”
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“He was the loudest eater I have ever come across in my life. It put me off.”
It’s the potential to be attracted to yourself that makes gays’ self-esteem so complicated, @drewsoup6 continued: “The hardest part about this is when you look in the mirror, and because you’re aware of what turns you on — of what you’re sexually attracted to in a male body — and you know that you would not be sexually attracted to yourself, how the hell do you accept that?” they asked. “That is so hard.”
If you know you wouldn’t date yourself, how can you be confident in finding a partner? “The only thing that really curves this is the fact that people have different types, and I think that’s especially true in the gay community,” @drewsoup6 concluded. “So you can just tell yourself, ‘Oh, maybe he has a different type. Maybe I’m his type.’ But yeah, it can be really hard for sure.”
@drewsoup6’s comments section was in agreement with the take, saying it matched users’ own experiences with gay dating. “The hardest truth I’ve had to accept is that I am not my type’s type,” one commenter wrote.
“I’ve been trying to verbalize this for years,” commented another. “Like I think I’m handsome sure, but I am not my type so… my appreciation of self only goes so far.”
But others said that recognizing you’re not your own type is exactly why gay guys shouldn’t put too much stock in their own self-perceptions. “Not sure if the scale is linear,” wrote one commenter. “I would challenge most men who struggle here don’t know how attractive they are. So many beautiful men unhappy [because] of this makes me sad. Comparison is the thief of joy.”
Still other commenters recommend the media that reminds them of this same phenomenon. “Hey Alexa play STUD by Troye Sivan,” one commenter quipped.
‘You need to read ‘The Velvet Rage,’” advised another, referencing the 2005 book by Alan Downs.
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