Ed Sheeran Presented a Very Horny Gift to Sam Smith

During an appearance on The Kelly Clarkson Show, Sam Smith revealed that Ed Sheeran had gifted them a two-ton penis statue. The details of the story form today’s installment of How Rich People Spend Their Money.

Clarkson first broached the topic, innocently inquiring about a “trophy” she’d heard Smith had received.

“It’s actually wild,” Smith replied. “I thought it was a joke, but it’s a six-foot-two marble penis.” Far from a casual gag gift, this particular trophy will require a team of workmen to install it. “It’s two tons, and I’m gonna have to get it craned into my house,” they explained.

“In your foyer?” Clarkson asked. “Like, what’s going to happen?”

“Well, I want to turn it into a fountain, which I think will be hard to do,” said Smith.

Clarkson suggested that the obvious thing to do with a giant penis is give it a name. The two brainstormed the name live on air, with Smith considering “Phillip” or “Kevin” and Clarkson throwing out “The Duke of Hastings” in reference to a Bridgeton character. “It sounds grand and six-two,” she explained. Smith leapt at that suggestion, so Duke of Hastings it is.

But why did Sheeran give a penis statue to Smith? Apparently, that’s just what he does. “He gives people concrete penises,” said Smith. “I’m not the first. Elton was the first.”

This turns out to be true. During a 2021 interview on 109.9’s Carrie and Tommy Show, Elton John confirmed that he had received a marble rocketman from Sheeran for his birthday. “I don’t know if that’s because I’ve always been a prick or what,” said John.

Originally, he’d wanted to display it in the garden, but his husband David vetoed that considering they have children. John then opted to hide it away in a room where the kids can’t see it. “But it’s a beautifully-made penis,” said John. “What can I tell you? What do you buy the man who has everything? A huge marble penis!”

Of course, anyone who’s ever been or been around an adolescent boy is no stranger to the juvenile obsession with drawing penises. There was even a whole Netflix show about it. And in case you were wondering what that looks like when you have millions of dollars at your disposal, now you know.