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Chronicles of a Fat Man: Dating Edition

“I like my men fat,” they say. “Fatter just means juicier. I bet your [expletive] is fat and juicy, and I want it in my mouth.”

Dating while fat and queer typically gives you two choices: you can either be someone’s fetish or you can be ignored by that person. Which do you prefer?

Let me be completely clear: there’s a fine line between someone finding fat bodies attractive and someone fetishizing fat bodies. Sometimes, people are genuinely into larger bodies, and that’s perfectly okay. However, when someone can’t look at you without feeling the need to sexualize your fatness, there’s a problem. This is a problem that exists in the queer dating pool.

Some fat people prefer being a fetish to being ghosted after showing someone a picture of their body. At one point, I enjoyed being a fetish. It felt good until it didn’t, then it felt weird. I could feel myself crawling out of my skin whenever someone compared my body to a juicy berry and told me how much sexier I am than people with conventionally attractive bodies.

Being someone’s fetish is the equivalent of being someone’s sex toy. Our large bodies are only “sexy” if they fulfill somebody’s fantasy. But our bodies are always changing; in a year or two, we can become larger or smaller. Our bodies seldom remain the same, which means that we run the risk of becoming undesirable quite quickly. Superficiality works both ways. Couples don’t only divorce because of weight gain; many relationships end because of weight loss.

I dated someone who preferred larger men. At this time, I wasn’t large. I could fit into a medium-sized shirt. Still, this person had an attraction to me, and I had an attraction to them. However, this person had a fetish for larger men, and this led to the demise of our relationship.

While we were happy together, I couldn’t satisfy this person’s sexual appetite, only someone with a larger body could. Therefore, we ended the relationship and didn’t see each other for a long time.

Five years later, I gained over 100 pounds. That’s when this person came back into my life, sending me unsolicited sexual messages and begging me to take them back. I refused to do this because I realized that I would be nothing more than their fetish.

“You should be flattered that someone finds your body attractive.” I’ve heard that multiple times from several different people when I told them that they were making me uncomfortable, including that particular person.

Over time, I learned that being ghosted is better than being somebody’s fetish. At least I have ownership over my body, and I don’t have someone who believes that they’re doing me or my body a favor.  

Image via Getty


Arkee E.

Arkee E. is a writer based in the Bronx.

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